This is a picture that Ray and I drew together a few weeks ago -but this is not how things really are right now.
I love this picture, and I wish this was how I feel, but it isn't. I have recently had to admit to myself and others that I seem to have developed a degree of Post-partum Depression. It sort of snuck-up on me.
I didn't have it at all after Ray was born, but this time is different. I have been weepy, and angry, and unwilling to face the fact that this is what's happening, but now I feel the need to tell on myself. I am not being the wife and mother that I want to be. I feel a horrendous amount of guilt over it all. My daughter is in a phase right now that is pushing me over the edge, and my husband and I have ZERO time together. I find myself mourning the loss of our freedom to just be a couple. I miss him so much, but am totally unable to show him that. Instead, I am a shrew. Every day I try to start fresh with both of them, and most days I blow it. I want to maintain my cool with Ray, and model good behaviour that she will emulate, instead I lose my temper when despite my best efforts she still acts like someone I don't even know half the time. Where did my sweet little companion go? I miss her too. I am now the mom at whom strangers cluck their tongues when I have to drag my two year old kicking and screaming out of the library while wrestling with the stupid baby car seat carrier. I never wanted to be that woman. I have always felt sorry for that woman. I see friends feeling sorry for me when I have both of them in the natural foods store, and I don't even get to finish my coffee, and I am trying to balance my wallet on something to dig out the change for the coffee I couldn't afford and still didn't get to finish.
Well, what a ramble-rant. I can allow this to go on only so long, I guess. I have to find a way to get over myself. The most important thing for me is that they don't remember their mom as scary and mad. -And that Josh doesn't come to regret his decision to do all this. I know I'm not alone. I'm sure it will pass -Zev is very new, and a rough patch is to be expected. I feel better having said all this.
